Breaking: Trump to Sign Executive Order Stating That Active Managers Still Suck
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Trump Signs Executive Order Exposing Active Fund Managers as 'Overpaid Losers'
Washington, D.C. – In what is being hailed as a "major win for common sense and basic math," President Donald J. Trump today signed an executive order officially declaring that active fund managers, as a group, are "bad at their jobs and worse at taking hints."
"These guys have been claiming for decades they can beat the market," President Trump said at a press conference, shaking his head with trademark disbelief. "But guess what? They can’t. They stink. Yes, the really suck. Most of them couldn’t beat a dart-throwing monkey picking stocks. It’s a disaster, folks."
The executive order, titled "Stop Paying Wall Street to Lose Your Money," pulls no punches. It cites a crushing 15-year statistic: a whopping 89% of large-cap U.S. funds failed to outperform the S&P 500. "You know what that means?" Trump asked reporters. "It means 9 out of 10 of these guys lose. Nine out of 10! If a baseball player did that, he’d be fired, right? But Wall Street? They get bonuses."
Among the executive order’s groundbreaking measures:
Mandatory Warning Labels: Active funds will now be required to carry warning labels, like cigarette packs. "Warning: This Fund May Cause Severe Underperformance, Wallet Shrinkage, and Rage."
Annual Dartboard Championship: To prove their "expertise," active fund managers will now compete against literal darts thrown by a guy named Gary from accounting. Results will be live-streamed.
Truth in Marketing: Any fund manager who calls themselves "the next Warren Buffett" will have to disclose how many quarters they’ve lost money to index funds, a.k.a. "the financial equivalent of the tortoise in a $10 suit."
"Hedge funds? Don’t even get me started," Trump added. "They’ve got their fancy algorithms, their flashy offices, and for what? Half of them can’t even beat your grandma’s savings account."
The President ended his remarks with an impassioned plea to the American people: "Stop paying these guys to lose your money. Just buy the index fund and call it a day. You’ll sleep better, trust me."
Meanwhile, Wall Street was predictably unfazed. "We look forward to reviewing the executive order," one hedge fund manager said, lighting a cigar with a $100 bill. "Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a yacht to christen."
For more information, please contact:
The White House Press Office
Not Kidding This Time, Seriously
Disclaimer: Please note, this is satire. Well, maybe not?